


Almost Lost

by Ostrava



Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: First Kiss, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 09:35:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16473047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ostrava/pseuds/Ostrava
Summary: “I see...that's great... I'm happy for you.”“You say you are happy but you don't sound... oh, I see.” Jaal remarked, “An idiom.”On that moment Scott just knew that it was time to either speak up about his feelings or simply pretend they never existed to begin with. Just let go of it all and offer his support to Jaal as any friend should.Or:Scott left the tech-lab before Jaal told him the whole set of news and went on believing that the angaran warrior was leaving.





	Almost Lost

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea last year before the patch to be able to romance Jaal as a M!Ryder was released. After playing the game for the first time when I reached that conversation, I wondered: "what if Scott just leaves Jaal half way through the whole conversation. Then goes around thinking he's going to leave." (This poor fic had been half-written for ages... it was only fair to actually finish it.)
> 
> Besides, the tag for this ship is a bit empty and that can't be!
> 
> I hope you like this story and I apologize for any misspelling you may find.
> 
> (EDIT: 3-28-2019- Added more content to the story, edited a few grammatical errors, etc)
> 
> Please enjoy!

 

* * *

 

 

As the search for Meridian continued, most of the crew were researching any and every last bit of information about the possible location of the elusive place. One early evening, if the time displayed on his omni-tool was to be trusted, Ryder found himself wandering around the Tempest with no clear destination in mind. He had been so lost in thought, that without realizing it, he had ended up walking into his quarters.

  


As the door hissed open, the pathfinder sighed out loud. He was exhausted, most of all because he had not been able to sleep more than a couple of hours in the last four days. Scott was more than aware that the search for the fabled Meridian could either be the triumph card that the Initiative needed to finally settle in the Heleus cluster for good, or that it could all be for naught. An entire investment of time and resources that would amount to nothing.

  


The team could _not_ fail. They did not have neither the luxury nor the time for that anymore.

  


Thousands of colonists depended on him specifically, and Scott could not allow himself to fail.

  


Ryder sighed once more as he approached the e-mail terminal atop of his desk. The chrome colored scale models of ships and other vehicles shone under the light of the lamp nearby. There were some moments in which Ryder dared to imagine what would be like to just give up, or simply wished for his father to still be alive.

  


“Dad would know what to do.” Scott's voice was nothing more than a measured whisper, he felt defeated all of the sudden. As if all the tiredness, doubts, worries and all the strains that his soul carried for so long had become a deep ocean where he was drowning. Every single one of his doubts were brought upon him by the constant fretting caused by the knowledge that the thousands of souls that depended on him, could die or have a worse fate if he failed.

  


Any ill fate awaiting those people would be _his_ fault alone. Scott could not blame anyone else but himself, he had never felt such loneliness and helplessness in all his life. “Dad wouldn't be grasping at straws.” he clenched both of his hands, his knuckles became pale as his nails were digging into the palms of his hands. “He wouldn't be wasting time trying to find a place that might as well be a fable.”

  


Scott was full of doubts that he would never disclose to anyone, he would not bring more uncertainty upon those he was supposed to help. Ryder took a deep breath, he knew that he could not allow such ideas to plague his mind. What had happened at Habitat-7 had been a dreadful chain of events, and even after months had passed, it was still difficult to accept it all. Yet, he was well aware that it was too late for regrets, and too late to wallow in his despair.

  


People were depending on _him_ _,_ there was no one else who could bear such a burden.

  


In the silent ambient of his quarters, Scott checked the messages he had received one by one. The pathfinder was never without something to do or read, be it either news about the Nexus or small notes sent by people he had met in his travels around Heleus. As expected, Ryder had received three messages from his crew members and one from Addison. He managed to read the the one sent by the latter without actually skipping over the details as he usually did, and then moved on to the small notes that had been sent by his team.

  


One was from Suvi, in it she spoke about the latest scans done to the scourge in the current sector of the cluster they where in. The second message was from Liam. The ex-cop wanted to consult something related to Kadara with the pathfinder, and he suddenly felt loathe to know what it was.

  


But the last message made Scott feel equal parts excited and terrified.

  


It was from Jaal.

  


The Angaran sniper seemed to want to have a conversation with Ryder, but he did not specify anything about what could possibly be going on, or what he required from Scott. And that was strange, for Jaal was usually very clear in his messages.

  


It had been a short note, straight to the point, and that made Scott's heart beat a little bit faster. Anxiousness took root within his heart, and nervousness took a hold over him as well.

  


“Pathfinder,” SAM called. The monotonous voice helped Ryder to find some ground, “Your pulse has increased unexpectedly. Is there any need for you to consult Dr. T'Perro?”

  


“No... SAM,” the pathfinder massaged his temple as he spoke. Scott knew that a small headache was the least of his problems on that moment. “That won't be necessary. I just need to... do something.”

  


“Of course.” the AI replied and added nothing more, and Scott was grateful for it.

  


Jaal simply wanted to talk, and there was nothing more to it, still... what could it be about?

  


Had the angaran finally noticed how Scott's eyes always lingered a moment longer onto him? Had he realized how Ryder felt?

  


Had Jaal come to notice how Scott always seems to find any excuse to be near him? Ryder usually went out of his way in order to have an inconsequential talk be it in the galley or the corridor, or merely tell a bad joke in order to evoke a small laugh from the angaran sniper while the team was driving around on the Nomad.

  


Or had Jaal come to realize that Ryder's poor attempts at flirtation, that most of the crew made fun of, had been _real_?

  


The pathfinder shuddered and hoped it would not be the case, for he was more than sure that it could ruin their entire friendship if Jaal was to find out. “Please just don't let it be that. He would hate me for sure.” the pathfinder mumbled as he bit one of his nails, a nervous habit he had never been able to dispose of. After a few minutes of consideration, Ryder stood up unceremoniously and took in a deep breath, hoping that whatever it was that Jaal wanted to talk to him about would be actual good news.

  


“No time like the present.” He announced, “Just, don't let it be something bad, _please_.” he said as he glanced out of the panoramic window in his quarters. The universe itself surely knew how desperate Scott was for anything to finally go his way. Even if it was but a meager conversation with the object of his affections, as secret as said affections had been for quite some time. Or at least Ryder hoped they were secret still.

  


The corridor seemed to go on endlessly, and Ryder took notice of how it was devoid of any of the crew and eerily silent. Even the station for research was vacant. Scott found it strange, but kept on walking until he reached the door to the tech-lab, he stood in front of it until it opened with a loud hiss.

  


“You waned to talk to me?” with that question Ryder announced his arrival into the cramped room, where the angaran could usually be found. Jaal was as always, tinkering with some sort of device that was laid upon the floor and Scott just knew he would never tire of seeing that, he committed the image to his memory for he did not truly wish to forget.

  


“Ah, Ryder.” the sniper stood up in a single move and faced the pathfinder, “Did you get my message?” he blurted out at a fast pace.

  


Scott struggled to keep up for a moment there as his translator lagged a bit, the angaran's speech was too fast. “Uh...” Ryder then got the correct translation and sighed in relief, “Yeah?”

  


“I have exciting news, and I wanted to tell you in person.”

  


“Should I sit down?” Scott joked then.

  


“Is that another idiom?”

  


“Yeah, it means...” the pathfinder shrugged after halting his speech, “Never mind that. What was it that you wanted to tell me?”

  


“I've been offered an advancement in the resistance.” Jaal's excitement was clear in his voice, “And my own command.”

  


There was a moment of dead silence between them. Scott was unable to talk at all, for he was overwhelmed with the news, and secretly held a small bit of hope within his heart that Jaal would tell him that it was all an elaborated prank of some sort.

  


But as the seconds passed and the sniper stood silent awaiting Ryder's reaction, Scott realized that it was real. That Jaal would be leaving soon. He felt as if his veins were being filled with ice and for a moment he wished to have died in Habitat-7, as dramatic as an outcome that would be, Scott considered that it would be better for him not to be standing there in front of Jaal while his life crumbled. He was tired of losing everything. He had lost his planet, his mother and father, his sister was in a coma with no hope for her to wake up any time soon, the Initiative was in shambles and depending on him; and Scott was doing his best to keep it all together, but now Jaal was about to leave him as well.

  


He was so tired of losing everything he cared for.

  


“I see...that's great... I'm happy for you.” he managed to say after a few deep and quiet breaths, finally shaking off the shock that the news had caused him. He had no desire to allow Jaal to see how _hurt_ he actually was. Besides, it did not matter, he could take it anyway. He was used to it, so, he concluded he could pretend it did not affect him at all.

  


“You say you are happy but you don't sound... oh, I see.” Jaal remarked, seemingly glad to have solved a puzzle then. “An idiom.”

  


On that moment Scott just knew that it was time to either speak up about his feelings, or simply pretend they never existed to begin with. Just let go of it all and offer his support to Jaal as any _friend_ should. For that was what they were, and it would never change.

  


There was a short instant of silence between them, as if that had been the moment given to him as a chance to speak up, yet Ryder was not about to say more than he should, he just wanted his feelings to be buried and forgotten. Jaal was going away to finally attain what he had always wanted, and Scott was more than aware that what he had to offer was no true competition against that. It had been Jaal's dream for quite a while to actually acquire a better position within the resistance, and the pathfinder was not about to ruin that for the angaran warrior. Jaal dreamed of becoming a leader, not remaining as a follower of someone who barely knew what he was doing.

  


The long silence continued for a few more seconds, until Scott blinked a few times, and nodded at the sniper. “All right then, I'll go tell Kallo to get us to Aya right away. No time like the present.” The pathfinder turned around and all but ran towards the door, “Wouldn't want to keep your new team waiting for too long, after all.” Ryder remarked as he made his way out of the lab without even allowing Jaal to utter another word.

  


Liam had been standing near the door, checking on one of the control panels nearby. The crisis specialist had seen the last of the scene, Scott's distressed face and the confusion on Jaal's visage had been evident as the door opened and the pathfinder made his way towards the cockpit.

  


“He did not let me finish.” the sniper muttered. A dumbfounded expression all over his face, “He just left...”

  


Liam glanced at the angaran, he lifted one eyebrow as his eyes were set upon Jaal. “Finish what exactly?”

  


“I told Ryder the news about my newly given position within the resistance's ranks.”

  


“And?” Kosta shrugged, clearly both of them were confused.

  


“Ryder left before I was done talking.” there was a small hint of distress in the sniper's voice.

  


“Maybe he had something urgent to do?” Liam shrugged once more, he was clearly missing some valuable information in order to see the bigger picture. “He'll probably be back later so that you can finish that conversation.”

  


“I hope so.”

  


With that, the angaran warrior returned to the tech-lab in silence.

 

  


* * *

 

  


Within the confines of the pathfinder's quarters, Scott spent the better part of an hour pacing, and the rest of the time reading reports and replying to messages. He was trying to keep his mind occupied and away from any thoughts related to Jaal.

  


_How did it happen?_

  


How did he come to develop such feelings in just a few months?

  


It was not as if something similar had not happened to him before, but truth to be told, he truly wished he could have been spared from emotional attachments this time. At least until everything settled down.

  


But seemed as if fate itself had deemed it to be otherwise, and it would not change, for fate never truly gives anyone a choice.

  


As the soft piano music in the background faded into silence, the pathfinder sighed and reached for the small flask of liquor he usually kept hidden within one of the drawers. The burning sensation of the beverage as it made its way down Scott's throat, was nothing compared with the sudden realization that nothing would ever be the same anymore. He had gotten used to things, tried to find a semblance of normality after struggling day and night to find a home. He considered the Tempest' crew to be family, and by the time they were to reach Aya, the small group of oddballs he considered family would be missing one member.

  


Tech-lab would be empty from then on; though Jaal had filled it with technological devices and half finished projects to the point in which it was difficult to walk into the room without tripping over spare pieces of control panels or cables. The cramped space would never be the same anymore because Scott won't be finding the angaran sniper lost within the intricate circuitry of a Kett device, with a focused expression on his face, that more often than not, made Ryder's heart beat faster.

  


“Should've never gotten used to it.” Scott mumbled as he drank a generous amount of liquor from the flask, “Nothing lasts forever.”

  


“Pathfinder, y-”

  


“Not now, SAM.” Ryder interrupted the AI's incoming lecture. "Unless you have a way to mend a broken heart."

 

 

"That is not contained within my database." SAM replied in a serious tone. 

 

 

"Well then," the pathfinder scoffed loudly, "this is your lucky day, so you better start taking notes. You're witnessing that right about now."

  


"What exactly am I witnessing, pathfinder?" The AI curious tone became more than evident.

 

 

"The breaking." Scott had said as he took another generous gulp of liquor, "The mending does take a while."

 

 

"Understood." SAM replied then remained silent afterward.

 

 

When Scott had asked, Kallo told him that it would take about two days to reach Aya. After setting the course, Ryder simply left for his quarters and hoped no one would come knocking on his door until they reached their destination. He was determined to drink himself into a stupor and forget about everything else for the next forty-eight hours. He had left specific orders in the bridge. No one was to interrupt or call upon him unless someone was either dying or kidnapped by the Kett, or the Tempest was under attack, on fire and falling into an uncharted planet. Scott had laughed a bit about his own terrible joke, which had reminded him of how he had met Jaal for the first time.

  


Hours later, there was a voice calling from the other side of the door, and of course it was bound to happen. The pathfinder was never given too many moments of privacy and solitude, there was always something that required his attention.

  


Scott unlocked the door and lifted his head to find Liam at the entrance. The liquor within his system made him feel almost numb, which was exactly what he had wanted.

  


“Ryder, you've been in here for hours.” the ex-cop spoke in a serious tone, “And you know I'm not one for gossip,”

  


A bitter laugh escaped the pathfinder's lips, “Liam please, don't lie to my face.”

  


“Well, all right, but...” Kosta tilted his head to the side, “Need to talk? I saw you leaving the tech-lab earlier and you looked distressed. So if there's anything I can do, just let me know.”

  


“There's not much to tell.” Scott signaled towards the sitting area near the desk, “Take a seat if you want, though I'm not the best company right now.” his body felt sluggish and his tongue had become rather heavy.

  


“Mind telling me what was all that?” Liam questioned right after taking a seat.

  


“All of what?” Ryder asked with a nonchalant tone.

  


“What happened in the tech-lab, with Jaal.” the matter-of-fact tone did not escape Scott as he heard Liam's question.

  


“Oh, _that_.” the pathfinder shrugged, “He's leaving.” he tried to utter those words with a detached and uncaring tone, but he knew he had failed to do so. “He was offered a better position in the resistance.”

  


“And that warranted for you to get out of there like that?” Liam's laughter filled the silent room, “You came out of the lab so fast, that anyone would have thought that the Archon himself was in there.”

  


“To be fair, I think the Archon would be the one walking away if he saw me.” Scott joked, “Or running, as the case may be.”

  


Both men laughed a the admittedly lame joke for a moment.

  


“You wanna talk about it?” the ex-cop offered, he knew it cannot be a simple task for Scott to be facing all of that alone. He was aware of how Ryder felt about Jaal, it was difficult _not_ to notice how the pathfinder's eyes lingered upon the sniper while he was not looking. “I know this can't be easy, but I'm willing to listen.”

  


“What do you mean?”

  


“Please don't play dumb with me, Scott.”

  


“Was I that obvious?”

  


“No offense,” Liam's voice was full of mirth and mischief for an instant, “but your pining could be seen from the Milky Way.”

  


Scott sighed out loud, “No one was supposed to know... or at least find out.”

  


“Yeah, well, let's get over that and on to a better question.” Kosta made himself comfortable on the chair and eyed the pathfinder for a moment. He noticed how Ryder's posture was defensive and the obvious flask filled with liquor that he was holding onto. “Why haven't you told him? I mean, angara usually just get their feelings out and deal with them in the open.”

  


“You do realize that I'm human, right? And there's this tiny little detail called, he's an _angara..._ ” Ryder stared at the endless void out of his panoramic window. It never ceased to amaze him how small he actually was compared to the sheer size of the universe. “I'm not one to allow feelings like these to be seen. I usually just swallow them up and wait until they are gone. It's better for everyone.”

  


“But this is a whole new galaxy, why not take the chance?” the ex-cop asked. Worry laced in his voice, “Is not healthy to keep bottling up things like that.”

  


“Look I...” Ryder hesitated for an instant then glanced at his friend, “Drack and Jaal had a conversation the other day on the Nomad, and well, since I was the one driving I had to hear it so this doesn't count as eavesdropping, does it?”

  


“I don't think so?” Liam replied, “But do continue.”

  


“It's a long story,” Scott fumbled with his words for a moment, “There was a lady that Jaal had been in love with for a long time and things didn't really worked out between them and..." the pathfinder shrugged, "To make the tale shorter, I took that as a sign to stop trying because Jaal is clearly inclined towards the ladies and if you haven't noticed, I'm a man _and_ an alien to top it all off.”

  


“That didn't actually stop anyone from trying back in the Milky Way.” the ex-cop replied enthusiastically. “Besides, you never really tried, like, _at all_. You never said anything to him, you simply stared at him and made lame jokes.” that matter-of-fact tone was back once more in Liam's voice.

  


“The angara and the rest of us are not seeing eye to eye either, even if we're learning to live with each other, it's because there's no other way around it.” Scott explained, “Some things take time and others never come to happen, that's the way life works.”

  


“But you're the pathfinder. Even in this, you have to find a _way_ Scott. You'll be likely the first, but that's exactly what you usually do.” Liam said in a lighter tone, as if he was trying to give some semblance of hope to Ryder with a few words. “It won't be easy, but you've been defying the odds for a while there. I'm sure it won't be any more different this time.”

  


“Nice joke, Kosta.” Scott replied after swallowing a generous amount of liquor, “But this is not a planet that I have to terraform using a vault... this is... I don't know what _this_ is. I just know that is _not_ happening.”

  


“But you could find out, if you give it a chance.” the ex-cop declared and Scott scoffed in response to Liam's words. “No, I mean it. You deserve to pursue some happiness of your own. You are always helping others, now is time to help yourself for a change.”

  


“Why bother if it's not going to end up being anything productive at all? Better leave it at that. He goes and gets what he wants and we go on looking for whatever it is we're trying to find.” in Scott's voice there were both longing and resignation. He was between sorrow and bliss. Happy for Jaal's newfound happiness yet, he was saddened by everything that would be left unsaid and for all the moments and words they would not come to share. “Everyone's happy.”

  


“Except for you.” Liam deadpanned.

  


“Has it not occurred to you, that I'm all right with all that?” Ryder groaned loudly, he was tired of over-thinking and going in circles in a conversation that would amount to nothing. “So, just drop it, will you?”

  


“I can't actually just _drop_ _it_. I'm your friend and I want to help you.” the ex-cop offered a reassuring smile to Ryder, “You helped me even when we were almost killed by those space pirates. Let me return the favor.”

  


“Look, they'll just say that I am just trying to gain the advantage by sleeping with an angara or something like that... can't have our newly established relationship with the locals to be ruined because I could not be professional.” On that moment Scott's face fell and a deeply saddened expression marred his visage. He was exhausted, and felt like such a fool for opening up to Liam, even if they were friends, some things were better left unsaid. “I'll get over it Liam. I have to. I can't live with this thorn in my heart forever.”

  


The ex-cop faced Scott and smiled, “I can't actually order you do anything, and I can't force you either, but,” he took a slight pause and glanced out of the window, “Someone once told me: _'take moments of happiness when you find them, they're not easy to come by.'_ and I'm telling you to do the same, or at least try.”

  


“Easier said than done Liam.” the pathfinder replied, a pensive look gave away the fact that his mind was miles away from those quarters within the Tempest. “I can't just beg him to stay. Besides,” the resignation tone in his voice was evident, “this is what he has always wanted. I cannot in good conscience let him lose this chance... not that he would actually leave something he had been trying to get for years, for one lousy human that has nothing to offer and that the just recently met... and.. yeah... let's leave it at that.”

  


“Hey,” Kosta said as he stood up and walked towards the door, “I think he would feel like such an idiot if he left and discovered that what he wanted is not what he needed. Besides, the worst he can say is _no_.”

  


" _Haha_ ," Scott mocked, "says the guy who won't be rejected by the person he likes."

 

 

"It's worth a shot, Ryder." Kosta winked, "Just, think about it."

 

 

And with that, Liam left the pathfinder behind, yet the ex-cop wanted to have a few words with Jaal; mostly because he needed to hear the other side of the story. And his instinct was telling him that something was off. There was more to that whole story and he needed to know, for he could not bear to see Scott tearing himself apart for something that could be solved with a few words. Yet, he was reminded that indeed what humans have always feared more than anything, is rejection itself.

  


* * *

  


It was late in the night when Liam found the angaran tinkering with a rifle in the cargo bay. Upon closer inspection Jaal seemed to be distracted. As if he was torn in the inside by indecision and doubt.

  


“Hey, Jaal?” Kosta called with a careful tone.

  


The angaran warrior dropped the tool he had been using, the loud clank echoed through the place, “Ah, yes, Liam. Do you need something?”

  


“Just for you to answer a question.” Kosta spoke at a quick pace, he needed answers right away. “Is it true that you're leaving?”

  


In response Jaal laughed for a while, then gave his reply. “No, I am not.”

  


“Then why did Ryder say that you were going to leave?”

  


“That's what I meant when I told you earlier, that the pathfinder did not let me finish talking.” the angaran sniper said with an air of exasperation, “I am _not_ leaving.”

  


“So if you're not...” Liam's eyes were wide open as the words left his mouth. The answer was there, _finally._ “Wait a minute! I gotta go, thanks man! We'll talk later, yeah?”

  


Kosta had left the cargo bay in such a hurry that Jaal had been unable to even ask him what had that all been about.

  


“Why is everyone acting in such a weird way today?” Jaal asked, confusion etched upon his face, “Humans are such strange creatures.” he then mumbled to no one in particular and went back to tinkering.

 

 

* * *

 

  


By the time Liam reached the door to the pathfinder's quarters, SAM announced to him that Ryder had fallen asleep, no doubt due to the liquor he had been imbibing. So, the crisis specialist resolved to return first thing in the morning on the next day, but it had been for naught because Scott refused to walk out of the room and also turned down any visitors as well.

  


With that said, the very next day, Liam had tried to get some help from the crew members but Drack laughed in his face and told him, “Let the kid be.” Then continued cooking as if no one else was there, despite the fact that most of the crew was holding an impromptu meeting in the small kitchen area.

  


“He'll have to come out of that room someday.” Vetra commented, and then diverted her attention to the monitor in front of her. She has a younger sister, she is used to those sorts of tantrums after all.

  


“I'm sure Ryder's atrocious flirting had some effect on Jaal.” Cora told Liam as she drank some coffee, “It's just that our pathfinder is yet to notice it. The glances and the unnecessarily long and casual touches that linger for ages between those two before they realize that an hour has gone by, it's all there.”

  


“He's very thickheaded when it comes to that.” Kosta murmured, “Hopefully he'll finally see it, because this is getting awkward.”

  


“How so?” Suvi inquired. A mug filled with a generous amount of tea rested between her hands.

  


“Jaal has asked me about five times after Ryder, and that was just this morning.” Liam groaned out loud, “How do I even tell him that Scott's acting up like a ten year old with a crush and that _that_ is the reason why he's avoiding him like the plague?”

  


“I believe they will get this sorted out.” Vetra spoke in an even tone, “We just have to wait and see. Give them time _and_ space.”

  


“And if not?” Suvi inquired, worry etched upon her face, “What if Ryder never does anything about it? Because Liam just told us that Jaal is staying, and the pathfinder will have to deal with that. He'll have to face him sooner or later and then what? Is he going to swallow up his feelings until they either burst out unexpectedly or they fade away?”

  


“We just give them a nudge in the right direction then?” Liam's words were followed by a long sigh from Drack. “This just can't go on.”

  


“Or maybe it can.” Peebee's chirpy voice interrupted, “Let's look at this as if it was an experiment in behavior.”

  


“No...” Liam lifted a finger and pointed at the asari, “Just... no. This has to end. One way or another.”

  


“Get out of here, the lot of you!” the old krogan yelled all of the sudden, which caused the group to jump a little due to the sudden shout Drack had let out. “You'll ruin my echidna roast with your meddling and gossiping.” he then pointed a finger at Peebee who had opened the oven door twice already and had stolen a few pieces of the meat. “And you stop that, thieves get sandwiches!”

  


The whole group left the galley in the blink of an eye, but promised to watch how things would pan out the next day, when they were finally set to arrive on Aya.

  


Still, in the time that was left for them to arrive to the small oasis within the volcanic wasteland known as Aya, Scott didn't took a single step out of his quarters. He needed to avoid any sort of confrontation until the very last moment. _He had to_.

  


“Pathfinder,” SAM's monotonous voice brought Ryder out of his train of thought, “You have not acquired nourishment for well over twenty-four hours. That is not recommended.”

  


“I know _that_ SAM.” Scott replied in a tried tone. “I'm just not hungry. Besides, don't worry, there's always a pillow or a shoe I can chew on, just in case.”

  


“The humor on that eludes me, Scott.”

  


The pathfinder laughed for the first time in days, he felt slightly better after that, but true relief was yet to find him.

  


* * *

  


The Tempest docked on Aya with a bright sunny day breaking on the horizon. The sulfuric smell in the breeze was something that Scott had gotten used to after quite a few visits. Besides, that was a small price to pay if he was able to visit the closest place to paradise within the Heleus cluster.

  


The pathfinder had been the last one to leave the ship in hopes to avoid Jaal, but as his luck would have it, the angaran sniper was standing near the docking bridge seemingly waiting for Scott. Perhaps it was to give Ryder his thanks or just to say goodbye.

  


“Pathfinder.” SAM's voice interrupted Scott's train of thought, “Your heart rate has accelerated once more. Do you require anything?”

  


“No, SAM.” Ryder murmured as he walked down the ramp. He became nervous and apprehension took over his mind. “I just need this to be over with. But I do wonder if it's too late for me to run back into the ship. Yeah, sounds like a good idea. Safe and sound in the Tempest avoiding all of this awkwardness.”

  


“Pathfinder, you are showing clear signs of stress.” SAM interrupted Scott's monologue.

  


“Yes SAM, I know... I'm _stressed_.” Scott sighed, “But can't do anything about it now. Still, I could ways run, as fast as possible.”

  


“You could ask your crew. They could have useful information that can prevent your stress levels from escalating any further.” the meddling AI provided.

  


“Yes well, none of them are here now and it see-”

  


“Ryder!” the angaran greeted, unknowingly interrupting the conversation between the AI and the pathfinder. “I was waiting for you.”

  


“So I see.” was Ryder's strained response, “Are you going to the resistance's headquarters already?” he tried to sound nonchalant but truth to be told, he had been dreading that moment for days.

  


“Indeed.”

  


With no more words passed between them, they began to walk down the paths of the paradise-like city. Their slow and measured steps gave away the fact that they were in no hurry whatsoever. Scott began to reminisce those first instants he had spent in Aya when he and the team had initially landed there.

  


The first time he had laid his eyes upon Jaal, it had been as if all the air had left his lungs at once. The angaran warrior's eyes had been the first thing he had noticed, Scott had felt as if he had been hypnotized. He recalled that moment as if it had happened merely a day ago and not several months before.

  


They arrived at the resistance's HQ doors still in silence, and stood there for quite a few minutes, immobile and quiet still.

  


Ryder had never been good when it came to say goodbye. He usually ended up fumbling over words or with his eyes tearing up, that was why he refused to talk; yet he was aware that he had to say _something_ if that was truly going to be the last time he would be seeing Jaal for who knew how long.

  


Or if he would ever see Jaal again.

  


It occurred to Scott that this moment would be it. Jaal was leaving, definitively. And there was nothing he could do to stop that from happening, just accept it and try to move on. And he would, _eventually_. There was just so much he could pine over someone who did not nor would ever love him and he had come to accept that fact, even if he was hurt, he knew that the distance set between them would take care of it. After all, time and distance were something that dulled the pain and made wounds into scars that would fade away. Time brought an end to everything, even love.

  


Scott's heart would be broken for a while, but it occurred to him, that it had been broken ever since they day he realized that Jaal would never return his affections. He had gotten used to that feeling, he allowed the hurt to fester within his chest and had accepted all the pain that had been brought upon him by the fact that Ama Darav would never correspond to him. And that was _all right_ , he repeated that to himself over and over. He understood.

  


He could not impose his feelings upon the unwilling.

  


But he did wonder if Jaal thought the same, if the anagran warrior would miss him at all.

  


“Well, I guess this is it. We all have our own battles to fight,” the pathfinder avoided looking into the sniper's eyes, afraid of what he would see in them. “You'll fight your battles far away from us from now on...” _'far away from me'_ went unsaid.

  


It felt strange just to give up on this, but it was also something that was going to happen anyway. They didn't share a bond deeper than that of friendship, and it was obvious that his constant attempts to grow closer had been overlooked. Or completely ignored as the case may be, and that was _all right_. He had to accept it, come to terms with it all and move on. Jaal would be happy from then on and that was all that mattered.

  


Or that was just what Scott thought. He had never taken the time to question what he truly wanted, he only took in account what others wanted from him. What he could offer in exchange.

  


Scott felt a small pang in his chest; there was regret mixed with sorrow, but he would have to get over those feelings nonetheless. Sooner or later they would just fade away. _'Give it time.'_ he said within his mind. _'In a few years I'll be laughing about this.'_

  


The silence between the angaran warrior and the pathfinder continued.

  


_'Just say goodbye, turn around and leave. Would it be all right to hug him or kiss him? I mean... we're never going to see each other again and...'_ Ryder's internal monologue went on, _'Okay... no need to make this drag on for longer than it is necessary._ _'_

  


The silence went on for an even longer stretch of time, until the pathfinder took a step back and opened his mouth to finally wish Jaal a safe journey and good luck, but the angaran sniper interrupted that before it even began.

  


“Where are you going, Scott?” Jaal inquired, a slightly amused tone in his voice gave away his inner mirth.

  


“I can't really stop you if this is what you truly want, besides it _is_ a good offer from Evfra and...” the pathfinder shrugged, “Find your destiny and all of that... don't worry.” he mumbled, “I won't be crying or making a scene here, I can promise you that.”

  


“I turned Evfra down.” Jaal spoke in a firm tone, for he wished to put an end to Scott's evident uncertainty.

  


It took a moment for Ryder's mind to catch on what Jaal had just said. Was his brain playing tricks on him? “But that's insane, that's what you've always wanted.” Ryder nearly yelled in surprise.

  


“What I wanted, yes, but not what I needed. _You_ gave me what I needed.” Jaal pointed out, laughter laced with his voice.

  


“I can't believe you did that.” Scott was torn between bewilderment and relief, how was it possible? Had he been worrying over nothing?

  


“You are going to do great things Scott, and I want to be by your side to see them happen.” the angara moved closer to the pathfinder, and touched his forehead with Scott's.

  


“But... why didn't you take it?” Ryder whispered eyes closed and wishing for the moment never to end, not really caring that his heart was about to burst out of his chest and that SAM had given him several alerts about possible cardiac arrest.

  


Jaal opened his eyes and offered a smile to Scott, it was as if the answer was obvious enough but Ryder was unable to see it yet. “Walk with me.” he told the pathfinder as they both began to step way from the doors to the resistance HQ and back into the market area, their hands had become intertwined and neither of them knew how that happened, they were not letting go anyway. Their hearts were feeling lighter as well. “There will be time to explain later on.”

  


* * *

  


It came as a surprise, when a week later there was an e-mail from Jaal in Scott's terminal. It was a short note and an invitation to meet Jaal's true mother. Ryder accepted and the very next day they were both standing in Jaal's family home. The pathfinder described it as cozy -if a bit cramped for Scott's tastes- but the people in it made Ryder feel welcome.

  


When Jaal guided him to his room and announced that the small space was his tiny sanctuary, Scott nodded as he took a look around. Ryder felt honored and quite humbled to have Jaal of all people to show him, an alien that he had met not so long ago, a piece of his private life and his past.

  


“We have a saying that I like.” Ryder said, “Home is where the heart is.”

  


“I like that.” Jaal replied as he made space upon the bed in order for them to sit, “It is something that should be an universal truth for us all.”

  


A few moments later, they were sitting on the small bed as Jaal rummaged through a box filled with items from his younger days. The schematics from the kett gun that his aunt had stolen for him, and the long dead pet filled Scott with questions, and he wondered what had Jaal managed to learn from them.

  


There was a silent spell that had befallen between the two of them. Comfortable and warm. In the quietness of the small room there was something akin to peace. Outside, the rain continued to fall as it always did in Havarl, the constant sounds made by the drops of water as they landed upon the plants outside made Scott feel homesick for a short instant. Rainy days on Earth were something he missed dearly.

  


In the silence that they shared on those moments, it felt as if all the truths and secrets between them were ready to be told.

  


“You make my heart sing.” the angaran sniper confessed in a whisper, and on that moment Scott assumed that what he had just heard must have been a malfunction of his translator. Jaal had moved closer to Ryder and took one of his hands between his, and gave it a light squeeze.

  


“Wait... what?” the pathfinder was clearly confused. “I think there's something wrong with the translator.”

  


“You Scott, are terribly _clueless_.” Jaal's amusement was evident, “I want us to be together.” he confessed.

  


“Since when?” Ryder inquired, for those had been words that the pathfinder never thought he would hear from Jaal. Even if he had dreamed of hearing them for the longest time, he had lost all hope when he had believed that Jaal was leaving the Tempest. “I thought that you... that...”

  


“You never seemed to notice but I fell for you. I don't know how it happened, but it did.” with his free hand, Jaal slowly caressed the side of Ryder's face, a small smile graced his lips. “What do you have to say to that?”

  


Scott for a moment, had believed it all to be a joke, then considered the possibility of him being simply dreaming.

  


“Am I dead?” the pathfinder inquired confused, “Because this pretty much feels as if I was dead. _Again_.”

  


Jaal's laughter filled the small space, “You are quite alive, and yet to answer my question.”

  


“Yes.” Ryder replied without any doubt within his heart, “I... Yes!”

  


Both of them laughed for a short moment, and as their mirth faded away a small smile remained upon their lips.

 

 

"I still think that I must be dead, though." Ryder joked. 

 

 

"Well, you are not." The sniper touched Scott's warm face, "You feel quite alive to me."

 

 

  
"That's a relief, I guess." Ryder laughed a little.

 

 

“I adore you.” the angaran warrior whispered before their lips touched for the first time. It was a short kiss, but it was filled with untold promises and a new beginning for both them. Somehow, all the doubts that Scott had held within his heart for such a long time had faded away, and instead, a new feeling began to bloom. It was warm and soft, akin to a ray of sunlight upon cold skin.

  


After that, their foreheads touched for an instant and Jaal stood up shortly after, “Let me show you one more thing you might like.” he announced to the pathfinder, then offered both of his hands to Scott in order to help him stand up.

  


“Lie down.” Jaal said.

  


“Okay, sure.” Ryder replied as the angaran warrior then walked across the room as Scott was settling down upon the floor.

  


Scott had closed his eyes for a few seconds and when he had blinked them open, the blue glow of the star map that had been displayed over the ceiling had engulfed the entire room. In it, small clusters of star systems and planets could be seen, blue and white interlaced with purple and silver. It was more akin to a dream-like escape than to a chart of the stars, it felt _magical_.

  


“Beautiful.” Scott whispered as the light made his eyes seem even brighter, “It's like a scene from a dream. Did you made that?”

  


“Long ago.” Ama Darav replied in a hushed tone, “It's not accurate. It is as you said, more of a dream after all.”

  


Jaal was lying down beside Ryder, both of them staring into the hologram as it turned slowly around.

  


“It's just one more thing that I want to take apart and figure out.” the sniper confessed. The pathfinder sighed in response as they held hands. “And now I have someone to do it with.”

  


On that moment there was no one else asides from them, nothing else existed. There were no kett trying to hunt them down or people depending on the pathfinder in order to find them a home. There was nothing but the silence and the warmth of their hands as they intertwined them.

  


Within the confines of that small room, both of them had found peace and hope in one another.

  


A little piece of heaven and a promise. An oasis of solace where they would be together as one, for as long as they could. They had found love and acceptance, and for now that was enough.

  


“You put the dream in my reality.” Scott whispered to Jaal. “And I thank you for that.”

  


“My darling one,” Jaal said in a hushed tone, “You are both, my dream and my reality.”

  


The rain continued to fall outside, the gentle pitter-patter of the raindrops made both Scott and Jaal fall asleep. The pathfinder closed his eyes with his head laid upon the angaran's chest, the beat of Jaal's heart brought a long awaited peace to Scott.

  


There was nowhere else he wanted to be. After all the he had gone through, he had found his home and he was willing to fight anyone and anything to keep it that way.

  


“Sleep well, darling one.” Scott heard Jaal say as he allowed sleep to finally claim him, and if Ryder mumbled a small _'love you'_ as a response to the angaran warrior, then he could claim that his sleep addled mind made him say it.

 

 

 

The End

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for stopping by!
> 
> Take care and have a great day!


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